What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a short-term, attachment-based treatment developed by Drs Sue Johnson and Les Greenburg in the 1980s. Although EFT can be utilized with individuals and families, much of the research and success has been linked to work with couples. The EFT framework tells us that couples experience relational stress and disappointment due to unmet attachment needs; that is, partners are not experiencing a safe and secure attachment with each other.

When an attachment to a partner is threatened, our brains react dramatically. The amygdala, also known as the “fear center” of the brain, sends out an alarm. This alarm sends the central nervous system into “fight or flight” or “survival” mode. We are on high alert and intensely focused on the threat to our safety. We react in ways rooted in primal survival: lashing out or withdrawal, self-destructive behaviors, etc. The key to EFT is to slow down and safely process the interaction between partners in order to create more thoughtful, safe, secure connection instead of desperate, reactive, fearful self-protection.

A secure attachment bond creates a safe place for a couple to discuss and experience their vulnerabilities and insecurities without a fear of rejection. Research has shown that when a couple has a healthy attachment bond their health improves (i.e. they live longer, are less stressed, and have fewer chronic health conditions). EFT can help couples create long-lasting patterns of connection and attachment.

Deep Questions for Couples

Asking “how was your day?” to your partner can get a bit boring and doesn’t necessary create the connection you’re craving. Give a few of these questions a shot and see if you learn something new.

Please tell me one thing that I do often that makes you feel loved and cared about.

What is your most unique trait?

Which of your friends would you choose if you had to be on a desert island with just one?

What family member did you most admire when you were a child?

 If you could change only one thing in your life, what would that be and why?

Is there anything I know or can do that you'd like me to teach you?

If you could plan your own perfect day, from getting up in the morning to falling asleep that night, what would that day look like?

If you had three wishes that would come true, what would they be?

Name 3 things that most excite your imagination when you imagine doing them?

Who are you most envious of?

Mindfulness for people who roll their eyes when they hear about "mindfulness"

I get it. “Mindfulness” is a all the rage right now and calls to mind lengthy mediation retreats enjoyed by the hip and wealthy with lots of free time. As if that is even a possibility under quarantine. Or maybe it’s a complicated process involving candles and soothing music and huge pillows. Or maybe it’s a state of mind enjoyed only by zen masters living atop a mountain somewhere.

Here’s another idea.

Simple.

Quick.

Anytime.

Anywhere.

Take time to notice. Lots of people use other words to talk about this such as meditation, mindfulness, being “present.” It can be called whatever you want. Set a timer for five minutes. Press start.

• Notice your body (i.e. What shape is it? Where does it feel tense? Where does it feel tight?). Be curious about the sensations your body is experiencing.

• Notice your breath. Notice where you feel it (eg. in your chest, your abdomen, your nostrils)

• Notice and accept your wandering mind and gently bring your focus back to the breath.

• Notice your body again after five minutes of noticing your breath.

Of course this practice of “noticing” will not fundamentally change troubling external circumstances. It will not save your soul. It will not make give you more money.

What it will do is give you a bit of space. A bit of a pause.

Congratulate yourself for being mindful. And, if it’s helpful, do it again tomorrow.

This post is adapted from Greater Good in Action , a site launched by UC Berkley’s Greater Good Science Center in collaboration with Hope Lab.

Rules for Fighting Fair

Conflict is tough to deal with, especially in complicated situations like stepfamilies. Sometimes it helps to have a few ground rules established so that conflict can be productive and healthy. It’s often helpful for a couple to take the time to develop their own “fair fighting rules.” Here are a few popular examples:

• Stick to the topic at hand (i.e. avoid the “kitchen sink” trap where one issue leads to the next)

• Seek to understand your partner

• Fight by mutual consent (i.e. agree on the time and place to discuss issue)

• Use respectful words and tone (i.e. no name calling, yelling, swearing)

• Avoid exaggerations

• Don’t make threats

Loving speech in stepfamilies

During these isolated, challenging, and confusing times, it is more important than ever to consider the ways we speak and are present to the people in our lives, especially within stepfamilies.

In The Art of Communicating, Thich Nhat Hanh mentions six mantras of loving speech. Thich Nhat Hanh says these mantras are a “magic formula” because “when you pronounce them, you can bring about a miracle, because happiness becomes available right away.”

1. “I am here for you.” Being truly present for another person is a gift, as it requires nothing from the other person. This requires mindfulness and intention.

2. “I know you are there, and I am very happy.” It is easy to get distracted with our busy lives and our busy thoughts. This mantra lets your loved one know they matter to you and that their presence brings you joy.

3. “I know you suffer and that is why I’m here for you.” This mantra shows that you are aware that something is not right and that your loved one is in pain. It is not important to try and fix the problem right away. This mantra can begin to alleviate suffering as it indicates that they are not alone and you are truly aware of their experience.

4. “I suffer, please help.” This mantra requires some humility which is crucial to loving relationships. Thich Nhat Hanh breaks this down further into three sentences: “I suffer and I want you to know it. I am doing my best. Please help.” This mantra is used when you have been hurt by your loved one and need to communicate about that hurt in order to bring about healing.

5. “This is a happy moment.” This mantra is a reminder to be grateful. The key is to practice mindfulness in order to acknowledge the beauty of these happy moments; e.g. a healthy body, a sunny day, a kind conversation.

6. “You are partly right.” This is a mantra that can maintain a sense of perspective when we are faced with praise or criticism. We all have strengths and weaknesses; we can use this balanced lens when we look at others as well.

We can use these mantras to strengthen and deepen our relationships within our families and stepfamilies. When we practice mindfulness and loving speech, we can start to operate with less judgement and more compassion.